Feeling like a Loser

Here I go again. Feeling like a loser. It always happens when I try to plan an event. I hate that this feeling always over powers the real fact that I'm not a loner with no friends.

So I'm planning a Graduation party. I tried to see if people will come by posting myspace bulletins and on here, no one said anything. I sent out invites on myspace, I got a bunch of I'm going to this event instead messages. Yup that feeling of what if I was cooler hits again. The thought of why is it no ones first priority to do something for me? I mean I'm getting this huge favor by the guy at Jump Man Jump to let me have this party on a premium night for free.

But here's the other side. My family will be here, they will most likely come cause it's me and I planned it. Because they Love me. Diana said she will most likely come, because she awesome, even though she admitted saying that she won't know anybody there. Liz will most likely go because she goes every time I have one and she's my closest friend in Reno, even though she's in a wheelchair and can't play.

So why do I feel so lame and like a loser? When all the people I'm closest with will be there? Even now I'm trying hard not to cry about it because it's dumb. It's a worldly thing, people liking you. It really is. What really matters in this world are the people who truly care for you. Yet how is it easy for me to tell myself that and yet still feel pain about the people who aren't coming?

Maybe it's because they are the people I'm trying to open up to, the people I want to be friends with. Maybe they aren't worth the effort. This happens every time I try to plan something. I think this is why I distance myself from people. Because I give up on trying to be their friend when they aren't being one to me.

Amazed

I saw this on Brad Ruggles Blog and was amazed. I want to do this.

These guys are swesome.

I Love Mercy Me and their Blog.

I'm a Murderer.

"For it is said in the bible that if you hate a person then it's considered murder"

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him. 1 John 13:14-15

This has always been something that I have struggled with, Hate. I just get so angry and bitter so easily. I've prayed over this for years, I had daily reminders to:

 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

Even the Basis behind Shine like Stars is a reminder to "not complain or argue" So every time I hear the phrase, "whoever hates a person it is considered murder" I freak out. There was one night where I broke down in front of my roommate and repeatedly called myself a murderer because our neighbors upstairs were being really loud and I said I hated them. 

God calls us to love one another like brother and sisters. Yet it is so easy to not say anything to that person and talk crap about them to someone else. I use to hang out with this group of people that was called "The S*!@ Talkers" and it was contagious. I still find myself doing it still even though I thought it would end when we dispersed.  

So tonight after spilling my emotions out to Pastor Steve I learned this, people even christians are still human and will make you angry in some form or the other in time. But instead of going to other people and talking crap about it take it to God. Pray about it, then talk to the person who made you angry. Or else it will just sit and fester within you, and it just brings the person you are talking crap to, down also.

The Killing Fields

I just got out of my Holocaust and Genocide class. We started talking about the Cambodian Genocide after about an hour and a half of lecture about Pol Pot and his use of kids and teenagers to fill the Khmer Rouge and his "ethnic cleansing" of all intellectuals to rebuild a better communist Cambodia. The second half was a watching the first half of The Killing Fields. A movie that is based off of a true story of a reporter and what he and his translator went through in Cambodia.



Needless to say the movie left us all feeling quite a bit somber. Next weeks class is optional, being the day before thanksgiving. I'm going because we are going to watch the second half of the movie. And I'm writing my term research paper on the Cambodian Genocide.

I've also read this book called, First They Killed My Father. It's a first hand account by the author of what her family had to go through to survive as upper class Cambodian citizens. It's sad but a good and eye opening read. I have it if you want to borrow it.

Positive Post Tuesday

So here's a story that's quite amazing, at least to me it is. I've known Liz for about 3 years now. In that three years I have experience more life being friends with her than anyone else I know. I've met people I wouldn't have talked to if it wasn't for her, and I've gone places I probably wouldn't have gone too either. She even made me play Murder Ball. She's always been an encouragement to me and she's one of the few people I can talk to about what really is bugging me. Sometimes she's brutally honest but these are things I need in a friend. 

One of the most amazing experience I had with Liz was finding out she was friends with my dad's favorite canto-pop singer. Random! Liz went to Point Loma Nazarene College in San Diego, where she was apart of Boarders for Christ, and met a guy named Ryan Hui. 

So one random day in 2006 I mentioned to Liz that my dad's favorite singer of all time is coming to Reno, but tickets cost $192! All I had to say was Sam Hui and Liz tells me how she knows his son. 

So after a few myspace messages, we scored 3 tickets to the show free from Ryan. Sadly my parents couldn't make it to the concert, but Liz, my friend Emmelynn and I made our way to the show. We got to go back

stage and meet Sam Hui. 

The next night we went to dinner with Ryan and Candance(his wife). They are so cool and nice. The greatest part? I told Ryan how my dad loves his dad. What does Ryan do? Offer to mail a backstage pass from the Reno show autographed by his dad to my dad! CRAZY! My dad was so stoked by this. 

Best part? They are coming back to Reno this Thanksgiving and my parents are actually going to the concert this time!

Amazing how God works, how me brought Liz into my life, and all the experiences we had together. 

Taking a Break

So I'm takinga break from the Old Testament. I was trying to read through the bible, but honestly it hasn't been very encouraging. With me being all unsteady lately I decided to go to the new testament. I skipped the Gospels and started with Acts. So what did I learn today?

Acts 1:7-11

7He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. 8But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

9After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight.

10They were looking intently up into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood beside them. 11"Men of Galilee," they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven."

So two thoughts came to mind. First, "Holy Spirit fill this broken and empty heart! Revive me!" I want to witness (hence why I'm in CCN) but still am scared, shy, and nervous. Secondly, "MAN! when Jesus comes back it's going to be the biggest show of my life!"

Yup that's what I thought. I'm trying and struggling daily. I think I need to start hanging out with some old Christian friends. They were so encouraging and it's nice to see them again.