Amazing How God Works.

It's funny how God works. So a few weeks ago I was asked to chaperone a snowboarding trip for my church's Youth Group. I said I'd think about it and make sure it's something I could commit too.

I wasn't too sure about going. I'm a big klutz (I sprained my knee walking in the snow) and the last time I went snowboarding I was in High School. It was more like messing around on a board on this sad little hill. I've been skiing but that was ages ago too. So I thought about it a few days and asked for more details.

So I told Ryan the guy in charge that I was game and I would go. As I was writing the message back I felt this random need to ask about worship and if he wanted me to bring my guitar. I was very hesitant at first cause I'm not very good a guitar let alone playing it and singing at the same time. I actually was having some anxiety about asking if I should bring it, because if he said yes then I'm totally screwed! Yup that was the thought process.

Well, Ryan writes back and he was just totally floored. He said that he was freaking out about it, he really wanted to do worship but didn't know how to do it. Within the last few days he felt that God was calming him down about it and that it would be ok. So when I asked about worship he was like that was the answer he was looking for.

I messaged back explain how I felt and now even though I'm still freaking out about it, I'm not having any anxiety about it. Because now I know it is a total God thing.

God's Amazing.

Needless to say I'm borrowing some snow pants because I'm expecting to be "sitting" in the snow, A LOT.

Accountability

191! CRAP! My blood sugars was 191 this morning. Goal for the day, drink lots of water.

So I started to use this blog as a way to keep myself accountable for my health. So that I can "nip diabetes in the butt" but obviously I'm not doing to well. Posting sugar levels and health updates only lasted a few weeks then I stopped. (maybe because of school)

I understand the value of having people in your life that can help stay accountable with things that you need help with. It actually works when you really commit to it. 

My problem is, I don't open up to people easily. I think it's that I don't want them to look down on me or I don't want to feel lesser than them. Stupid right? We are all God's children. He loves us all equally and we all make mistakes. But sometimes I feel like my problems are worse than others. (which are most likely not) 

There are two reasons why I'm bad at accountability. One, I don't think it helps that my first attempt at accountability was because we were forced to have it when I was in leadership in Intervarsity. I thought it was going to be good, but because I'm very shy when you first meet me not many people in leadership really knew me yet. So I ended up in a group with an old roommate and another girl.  

They are great people, I have/had a bit of bitterness toward my old roommate but for the most part it was good. So as we were going around telling what we would need accountability for I was ashamed to tell mine. The other two, just wanted to be held accountable for reading their bible daily. If the only thing in their life that was not ok, was not reading their bible then I must be a heathen compared to them! 

Second, is so many times I get told I'll pray for you, or I'll be checking in with you about this. And what happens? Nothing. That's probably the worst thing a person can do, especially when they say they want to be your accountability partner. Since I've started going to Harvest Family Festival I've been private about my past life and sins. As I have gotten more comfortable there the more I open up about some stuff that I'm struggling with.

So when one day I finally broke down, I talked to two older ladies of the group. It was comforting to talk to them, and they said they will check up on me and keep praying for me. But they havn't. I know that they are both busy ladies, but that the thing. If you know that you can't be there for someone don't commit to being an accountability partner to them. 

So I'm not discrediting accountability I'm just saying when you commit to it commit to it. Cause obviously I'm not doing well at keeping myself accountable for my health if my sugars have gone up to 191! If you do it, do it with someone you can really trust, who knows/been/going through what you are going through, and someone you can meet with daily or even weekly where it's just the two of you. Because if you don't have accountability, guarantee you will keep doing what you are doing wrong. And if you don't do it with the right people, then you only set yourself up to be bitter and frustrated at not only yourself but at people and sometimes God.

Resting

So here's what I learned. I'm not quite sure where to start and I'll most likely be all over the place.

Thanks to everyone's advice, but much to say I'm not going to date the atheist. Here's why, I'm obviously not strong enough to defend my faith to them when it comes to apolgetics and the questioning who is right and who's not. I'm waiting for the guy that God has made Comparable to me. Not Compatable but comparable.

Confused? This is what I learned God often times doesn't match us up with the people that we think we would most likely be compatable with. It's not like EHarmony where you take compatability tests. God matches us up with people that we can be comparable with. God is matching me up with someone whose strength is my weakness and my weakness is his strength. Someone whose not exactly who I would think I'd be with or match the guys that I'm saying I like. That's what makes him not compatable with me. I can't pick and choose who I want, what they look like, and their personality. I need to trust that God will bring someone into my life that I'm comaprable with, so that we both can follow, love, fellowship, and worship God together.

So I'm resting. Resting? You may ask. In college and career night we talked about Adam. How Adam and Eve are the prime example of what relationships should be like. When God Created the Heavens, the earth, The sky, and the creaters of the land, air, and sea. God created Adam in his likeness. God then had Adam name all the creaters that he had created. So as each creater strolled up in pairs Adam names them. It never occured to me that Adam could have possibly realized that all these creaters he saw came by in groups of two and yet there was only one of Adam. Did Adam go running through the Garden of Eden looking for his mate?

No instead he went to sleep, God had placed a deep sleep over Adam and then took from him one rib and created Eve about of the ribs of Adam and mud. Before Eve there was no other person for Adam to be focus on but God. Adam fully loved God first then Eve. When Adam awoke and saw Eve he loved her as she was. It's even said that part of the reason why Adam ate off the tree of life was so that Eve wouldn't be punished alone that together they may reep the consiquences of Eve's actions.

So what did I get from this. Before I can love another person I need to love God. I also need to rest, stop searching, and pressuring God, because maybe the Man God has picked out for me isn't ready yet. Maybe he like me needs to right his heart with God. Or maybe he's waiting patiently for me to right my heart with God. All I know is, I need to rest from wondering and looking for someone that's compatable with me and wait for the person the God made comparable to me.

Sorry.

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've really bogged down with school and work. 

I've been super emotional lately too. 

Here's a few things I've been feeling lately

Restless

I'm getting restless. I want to know what's God's plan for me. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I'm a planner but I need to learn to let God take the wheel and drive. But it's hard to keep putting faith in that when it's been a year and I still have no closure as to what to do with my life. 

Jealous

I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married. I want a family. I'm getting tired of waiting for the man God will bring into my life. I'm tired of breaking down in tears over anything about relationships or marriage.  I hate that I feel like I'm a jerk and can't be in a relationship.  I hate that I'm jealous of someone who is pregnant and not married because she's younger than me, even though I know it's not right.

Anger

At people and God cause I'm tired of trying to patient and waiting for something good to happen. Why is it that I struggle to live a life that God calls us to live. I'm still I sinner and I struggle with those sins but I've been trying hard. Yet I'm still waiting for God to show me direction, waiting for God to bring a man into my life. I'm angry that I can't love people enough to share God's grace to them.

Defeated

I just want to give up. I keep thinking that if I wasn't Christian I would be happy, but in my heart I know that's not true. It would be just as hard. But I just want to give up. Date the guy I've like for years that's Atheist and not care anymore. But then fear sets in and I'm still unhappy, in tears, angry, jealous, and restless.

Love

So lately I've been thinking about Love. This might sound bitter but I took some time to reflect on why it is that I've given up on Love.

It's amazing to me that so many people find it hard to say the three little words "I love you" and yet they easily dismiss the power of those three words later and then fall out of love. Is it truely love? Love is supposed to be unconditional and ever lasting. So is it really love? 

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't Love people. I love my family and I love God. That's unconditional and will never change. I will always be committed to them. But why is that people are so quick to be in relationship to be loved, and yet it's not real? It's just a phrase that people use. I mean they might mean it at first but then it get distorted and the meaning of it gets lost. It's just an action, just like kissing turns from a huge milestone in a relationship to a action that is expected. 

It's expected that you say I love you when you're saying good bye. 

I guess what is bringing all this about is all the people who are telling me that I need a man in my life. I need to be in love. In all honesty I'm not ready. I'm a jerk and my last relationship... well, tons of regrets there. I'm not ready.

I feel like I don't need to be actively looking for someone to make me happy. I have God, my family, and friends in my life. I feel that when my heart and soul is ready God will bring someone into my life, and that person will have Eros and Agape Love for me. Not the love that gets abused and forgotten. Together we can have a relationship that will honor and abide Gods laws. 

Right now I'm not ready for that and God knows. I'm in no rush cause I know there's a man out there that God has picked out for me and he will love me for me. Not for what's on the outside but what's on the inside. I don't need to change my style or wear make up to attract men. Because that's not me, and it just adds to the distortion of love. I want someone to love me for me, not for the clothes I wear or the makeup on my face that's just covering my true beauty. 

If you made it this far, I'm sorry for sounding bitter or rude. Just had to get it off my chest.

School Days

So week one of school done. So far I've been lucky enough to have people I know in all of my classes. The one I was the msot nervous about was my Holocaust and Genocide class, but I was lucky enough to have my friend Tony in there too.

My IS370 - Systems Analysis and Design group BRS reunited for group projects in IS475 - Database Implementation and Design. Which is nice since we all know each other and know each other work ethics.

BRS stands for Back Row Slackers. We came up with that name because we all sat along the back wall of the classroom. But we are far from slackers, we actually get our work done. I like my group we all work well together and so this semester should be fine. I mean we passed a semester long project together, we can handle a few smaller projects.

I've been working on staying strong and continueally being in the word and praying. I'm working my way through 1 Samuel which is a lot of fighting and war. I want to get to the story of David and his friendship with Johnathan and his struggles with Saul. I'll get there soon though.

This semester should be exciting and filled with new adventures. CCN is having their first ever meeting tonight where we will go over the goals and expectaion of this new club.

Change Collegiate Network- It's a group that focus on evangelism and spreding the word of God on campus and off. It's going to be exciting to how God uses people through this venture.

Blessing

Have you ever just sat back and taken in the people that are around you and see how amazing it is that God bring a group of people together? We are all so different and yet we are connected through our Savior that brings us together.

Last night I was conversing with Taryn, she goes to my church and I realized last night that I really don't know a lot about her and her husband. I mean I knew they were into a lot of stuff when they met. But their story is just truly a blessing to know.

It isn't one of those things where I don't care to know what's going on with people I interact with, it's just that there hasn't been a chance to get to know people. I go to a church that is a "church in a box." We meet in an elementary gymnasium. We don't have a building, yet. We'll get one someday,

Every Sunday I'm at the elementary school by 8 am to help set up chairs, childrens church, and the stage. Then it's time to practice for worship, then church. Afterwards I stick around to help tear down. I don't mind helping but I feel that I don't connect with people at the church cause I'm so busy setting up or tearing down.

So it's nice to go to a small group and just talk to some people around my age and just take it in. Take in life stories of people like Taryn and her husbands struggles. It's encouraging. It's amazing how God can change a person life and use them for His ministry. I think I'll save Taryn Story for a PPT. With permission of course.

Prayer Request
My friend just moved to Las Vegas for Grad School. She isn't Christian and her car got broken into a few days ago. She's been living in hotel rooms until she can find a place to stay. They took two large suitcases for clothes, a keyboard, and over a $1,000 worth of sheet music.

♥ ESR

Last night I went and saw A Current Affair, Ever Stays Red, and The Fold play. All three bands are incredibly awesome and the concert was a blast. The lead singer of the Fold pointed this out and I agree. It's only at a Christian concert where three different groups with different styles and get together and play a concert and have one thing in common and that is God. It's true you have the hard rock/screamo sound of A Current Affair to a rock worship band of Every Stays Red and then the indie rock sound of the Fold.

It's awesome because I can bring friends and the variety of the sounds will appeal to any of them, and I love the small concert too because afterwards we get to meet the artist. I remember bring my friend Melody to a ESR concert way back when she still lived in town and it was fun going out to In-n-Out with the bands afterward and hanging out.

I really needed something like this. It reminds me of how great God is and just how amazed I am at the people God has put in my life. Just knowing the Ever Stays Red guys and the fact that they recognize me, say hi, and give me hugs just makes all the troubles go away. I'm the shy girl that has to put her self out there to recognized and with them I don't have to do anything. (well maybe it was because Liz and I went to AZ, borrow a car from them, then went to see them at all the concerts they did in their home area, then help them load up after the concerts, then accidentally forgetting my cell phone at their church and haveing to have them mail it to parents cause I was leaving for Thailand the next week.)

Yup it's totally a God thing. :)

Could I do it?

So this morning I started reading 1 Samuel. Overview of the 1st chapter is that Hannah is one of Elkanah wives and she couldn't have children but Elkanah still loved her more than his other wife who succeeded in have many kids for him. Which caused the other wife to torment and ridicule Hannah constantly. So one day Hannah goes to the temple and prays so hard to be given a son that the priest thought she was drunk. While she was praying she tells God that if he gives her a son she promises that she would give the son to the Lord.

So what happens? God blesses her with a son and onces he has been weaned she takes him to the temple so that he may serve the Lord.

So as I was driving to work I was thinking could I do it? If I wanted something so badly as to ask for it then say once I get it I will give it away, could I do it? Could you?