Sorry.

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've really bogged down with school and work. 

I've been super emotional lately too. 

Here's a few things I've been feeling lately

Restless

I'm getting restless. I want to know what's God's plan for me. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I'm a planner but I need to learn to let God take the wheel and drive. But it's hard to keep putting faith in that when it's been a year and I still have no closure as to what to do with my life. 

Jealous

I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married. I want a family. I'm getting tired of waiting for the man God will bring into my life. I'm tired of breaking down in tears over anything about relationships or marriage.  I hate that I feel like I'm a jerk and can't be in a relationship.  I hate that I'm jealous of someone who is pregnant and not married because she's younger than me, even though I know it's not right.

Anger

At people and God cause I'm tired of trying to patient and waiting for something good to happen. Why is it that I struggle to live a life that God calls us to live. I'm still I sinner and I struggle with those sins but I've been trying hard. Yet I'm still waiting for God to show me direction, waiting for God to bring a man into my life. I'm angry that I can't love people enough to share God's grace to them.

Defeated

I just want to give up. I keep thinking that if I wasn't Christian I would be happy, but in my heart I know that's not true. It would be just as hard. But I just want to give up. Date the guy I've like for years that's Atheist and not care anymore. But then fear sets in and I'm still unhappy, in tears, angry, jealous, and restless.

Love

So lately I've been thinking about Love. This might sound bitter but I took some time to reflect on why it is that I've given up on Love.

It's amazing to me that so many people find it hard to say the three little words "I love you" and yet they easily dismiss the power of those three words later and then fall out of love. Is it truely love? Love is supposed to be unconditional and ever lasting. So is it really love? 

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't Love people. I love my family and I love God. That's unconditional and will never change. I will always be committed to them. But why is that people are so quick to be in relationship to be loved, and yet it's not real? It's just a phrase that people use. I mean they might mean it at first but then it get distorted and the meaning of it gets lost. It's just an action, just like kissing turns from a huge milestone in a relationship to a action that is expected. 

It's expected that you say I love you when you're saying good bye. 

I guess what is bringing all this about is all the people who are telling me that I need a man in my life. I need to be in love. In all honesty I'm not ready. I'm a jerk and my last relationship... well, tons of regrets there. I'm not ready.

I feel like I don't need to be actively looking for someone to make me happy. I have God, my family, and friends in my life. I feel that when my heart and soul is ready God will bring someone into my life, and that person will have Eros and Agape Love for me. Not the love that gets abused and forgotten. Together we can have a relationship that will honor and abide Gods laws. 

Right now I'm not ready for that and God knows. I'm in no rush cause I know there's a man out there that God has picked out for me and he will love me for me. Not for what's on the outside but what's on the inside. I don't need to change my style or wear make up to attract men. Because that's not me, and it just adds to the distortion of love. I want someone to love me for me, not for the clothes I wear or the makeup on my face that's just covering my true beauty. 

If you made it this far, I'm sorry for sounding bitter or rude. Just had to get it off my chest.

Feeling Kind of Low

Monday Sugars: 166
Todays Blood Sugars: 174


Yeah my sugar levels sucks, I've been doing so well at going to the gym and taking my meds, until the weekend came. Blah!

So I feel crappy, I need to move and get a different Job.
Here's been what's going on. So where I work now we switch from an office to my bosses home, which is outside of town maybe 15 to 20 miles. Not fun drive when gas is over $4 a gallon. I've been working part-time for this guy for almost two years, and every 6 months or so he tells me he is going to have me learn more about doing SEO or giving me more duties so I can have more hours.

Last semester I was so bogged down with school stuff that I could only put in 2 to 3 hours a day. I think he has come to like that, because well the company isn't doing to well and I do most of the monotonous stuff that nobody wants to do, but is "important" to do. Every since school has gotten out I've been asking for more hours. So what do I get in the field of more stuff to do? I get the tasks of getting the mail, cleaning, and taking the trash out, yup sure glad I'm working on getting a college degree for this work. Then last week I complained that I need more hours because of gas, guess what happens, my hours get cut. Now I go to work three times a week and work until I have no more billable time tasks to work on. He thinks he's being my gas money savior for it too.

For a while now I've been playing with the idea of getting a different job. I've applied to 6 now, I have yet to hear from any of them. So now Guess what happens. My Roommate decides to cash the last three checks I had written to her for rent (written three weeks ago), and groceries (one two weeks ago and one for last week). I thought she had cashed the checks earlier, Boy was I wrong.. Now I'm over $200 in the hole, I overdrew my account. I'm don't know whose fault is it more? Mine or my roommates? But I'm frustrated now, at my roommate, at my boss, and at all the people who haven't at least told me they're not going to hire me.

I hate money and how we need to to survive. Sorry for Griping. Just a little on edge lately.

God take all this away, I know you have a plan and that where ever I go you will use me. I am weak Lord. Less of me, more of you.
Amen