Perseverance

"Therefore, having been justified by faith we have peace with God through our
Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in
which we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but
we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produces perseverance;
and perseverance, character; and character hope. Now hope does not disappoint
because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who
was given to us. " Romans 5:1-5

I'm trying to keep this in mind lately. My heart keeps telling me one thing but I know God is telling me another. Its funny I never took dating lightly. Reading through old posts singleness was definitely something I struggled with. Now I see more than ever that I need to embrace being single.

It is still hard to do things the Godly and pure way when people around you are Worldly in their relationships. But I realize the God has someone out there for me. But for now I need to learn that I'm not ready to be in a relationship.

Its hard to recognize that, but I need to turn to God and recognize I am a strong female leader and I am one because I am single. And that its part of my ministry. Not that I'm saying I'm never going to date again, its just that I'm still not ready in my faith. I know that once I am ready my prince will come and he will be the strong Christian man I've been praying for.

Resting

So here's what I learned. I'm not quite sure where to start and I'll most likely be all over the place.

Thanks to everyone's advice, but much to say I'm not going to date the atheist. Here's why, I'm obviously not strong enough to defend my faith to them when it comes to apolgetics and the questioning who is right and who's not. I'm waiting for the guy that God has made Comparable to me. Not Compatable but comparable.

Confused? This is what I learned God often times doesn't match us up with the people that we think we would most likely be compatable with. It's not like EHarmony where you take compatability tests. God matches us up with people that we can be comparable with. God is matching me up with someone whose strength is my weakness and my weakness is his strength. Someone whose not exactly who I would think I'd be with or match the guys that I'm saying I like. That's what makes him not compatable with me. I can't pick and choose who I want, what they look like, and their personality. I need to trust that God will bring someone into my life that I'm comaprable with, so that we both can follow, love, fellowship, and worship God together.

So I'm resting. Resting? You may ask. In college and career night we talked about Adam. How Adam and Eve are the prime example of what relationships should be like. When God Created the Heavens, the earth, The sky, and the creaters of the land, air, and sea. God created Adam in his likeness. God then had Adam name all the creaters that he had created. So as each creater strolled up in pairs Adam names them. It never occured to me that Adam could have possibly realized that all these creaters he saw came by in groups of two and yet there was only one of Adam. Did Adam go running through the Garden of Eden looking for his mate?

No instead he went to sleep, God had placed a deep sleep over Adam and then took from him one rib and created Eve about of the ribs of Adam and mud. Before Eve there was no other person for Adam to be focus on but God. Adam fully loved God first then Eve. When Adam awoke and saw Eve he loved her as she was. It's even said that part of the reason why Adam ate off the tree of life was so that Eve wouldn't be punished alone that together they may reep the consiquences of Eve's actions.

So what did I get from this. Before I can love another person I need to love God. I also need to rest, stop searching, and pressuring God, because maybe the Man God has picked out for me isn't ready yet. Maybe he like me needs to right his heart with God. Or maybe he's waiting patiently for me to right my heart with God. All I know is, I need to rest from wondering and looking for someone that's compatable with me and wait for the person the God made comparable to me.

Sorry.

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've really bogged down with school and work. 

I've been super emotional lately too. 

Here's a few things I've been feeling lately

Restless

I'm getting restless. I want to know what's God's plan for me. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I'm a planner but I need to learn to let God take the wheel and drive. But it's hard to keep putting faith in that when it's been a year and I still have no closure as to what to do with my life. 

Jealous

I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married. I want a family. I'm getting tired of waiting for the man God will bring into my life. I'm tired of breaking down in tears over anything about relationships or marriage.  I hate that I feel like I'm a jerk and can't be in a relationship.  I hate that I'm jealous of someone who is pregnant and not married because she's younger than me, even though I know it's not right.

Anger

At people and God cause I'm tired of trying to patient and waiting for something good to happen. Why is it that I struggle to live a life that God calls us to live. I'm still I sinner and I struggle with those sins but I've been trying hard. Yet I'm still waiting for God to show me direction, waiting for God to bring a man into my life. I'm angry that I can't love people enough to share God's grace to them.

Defeated

I just want to give up. I keep thinking that if I wasn't Christian I would be happy, but in my heart I know that's not true. It would be just as hard. But I just want to give up. Date the guy I've like for years that's Atheist and not care anymore. But then fear sets in and I'm still unhappy, in tears, angry, jealous, and restless.

A Little Behind

So Randy Pausch past away last week. He was a Computer Science Professor at Carnegie Mellon University, that passed away with pancreatic cancer. I watched the video of his "Last Lecture" and it was enlightening. I recommend watching it. He was a great man.

Who am !?

Who am I? Not just a question for Zoolander Anymore.

I am a Christian, a Sister, a Daughter, a Sinner.

I am a Musician, an Artist, a Person. 

I am Weak, frail, empty, and poor. 

I am confident, broken, and scared. 

This is me.