Feeling like a Loser

Here I go again. Feeling like a loser. It always happens when I try to plan an event. I hate that this feeling always over powers the real fact that I'm not a loner with no friends.

So I'm planning a Graduation party. I tried to see if people will come by posting myspace bulletins and on here, no one said anything. I sent out invites on myspace, I got a bunch of I'm going to this event instead messages. Yup that feeling of what if I was cooler hits again. The thought of why is it no ones first priority to do something for me? I mean I'm getting this huge favor by the guy at Jump Man Jump to let me have this party on a premium night for free.

But here's the other side. My family will be here, they will most likely come cause it's me and I planned it. Because they Love me. Diana said she will most likely come, because she awesome, even though she admitted saying that she won't know anybody there. Liz will most likely go because she goes every time I have one and she's my closest friend in Reno, even though she's in a wheelchair and can't play.

So why do I feel so lame and like a loser? When all the people I'm closest with will be there? Even now I'm trying hard not to cry about it because it's dumb. It's a worldly thing, people liking you. It really is. What really matters in this world are the people who truly care for you. Yet how is it easy for me to tell myself that and yet still feel pain about the people who aren't coming?

Maybe it's because they are the people I'm trying to open up to, the people I want to be friends with. Maybe they aren't worth the effort. This happens every time I try to plan something. I think this is why I distance myself from people. Because I give up on trying to be their friend when they aren't being one to me.

Amazed

I saw this on Brad Ruggles Blog and was amazed. I want to do this.

These guys are swesome.

I Love Mercy Me and their Blog.

I'm a Murderer.

"For it is said in the bible that if you hate a person then it's considered murder"

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him. 1 John 13:14-15

This has always been something that I have struggled with, Hate. I just get so angry and bitter so easily. I've prayed over this for years, I had daily reminders to:

 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

Even the Basis behind Shine like Stars is a reminder to "not complain or argue" So every time I hear the phrase, "whoever hates a person it is considered murder" I freak out. There was one night where I broke down in front of my roommate and repeatedly called myself a murderer because our neighbors upstairs were being really loud and I said I hated them. 

God calls us to love one another like brother and sisters. Yet it is so easy to not say anything to that person and talk crap about them to someone else. I use to hang out with this group of people that was called "The S*!@ Talkers" and it was contagious. I still find myself doing it still even though I thought it would end when we dispersed.  

So tonight after spilling my emotions out to Pastor Steve I learned this, people even christians are still human and will make you angry in some form or the other in time. But instead of going to other people and talking crap about it take it to God. Pray about it, then talk to the person who made you angry. Or else it will just sit and fester within you, and it just brings the person you are talking crap to, down also.

The Killing Fields

I just got out of my Holocaust and Genocide class. We started talking about the Cambodian Genocide after about an hour and a half of lecture about Pol Pot and his use of kids and teenagers to fill the Khmer Rouge and his "ethnic cleansing" of all intellectuals to rebuild a better communist Cambodia. The second half was a watching the first half of The Killing Fields. A movie that is based off of a true story of a reporter and what he and his translator went through in Cambodia.



Needless to say the movie left us all feeling quite a bit somber. Next weeks class is optional, being the day before thanksgiving. I'm going because we are going to watch the second half of the movie. And I'm writing my term research paper on the Cambodian Genocide.

I've also read this book called, First They Killed My Father. It's a first hand account by the author of what her family had to go through to survive as upper class Cambodian citizens. It's sad but a good and eye opening read. I have it if you want to borrow it.

Positive Post Tuesday

So here's a story that's quite amazing, at least to me it is. I've known Liz for about 3 years now. In that three years I have experience more life being friends with her than anyone else I know. I've met people I wouldn't have talked to if it wasn't for her, and I've gone places I probably wouldn't have gone too either. She even made me play Murder Ball. She's always been an encouragement to me and she's one of the few people I can talk to about what really is bugging me. Sometimes she's brutally honest but these are things I need in a friend. 

One of the most amazing experience I had with Liz was finding out she was friends with my dad's favorite canto-pop singer. Random! Liz went to Point Loma Nazarene College in San Diego, where she was apart of Boarders for Christ, and met a guy named Ryan Hui. 

So one random day in 2006 I mentioned to Liz that my dad's favorite singer of all time is coming to Reno, but tickets cost $192! All I had to say was Sam Hui and Liz tells me how she knows his son. 

So after a few myspace messages, we scored 3 tickets to the show free from Ryan. Sadly my parents couldn't make it to the concert, but Liz, my friend Emmelynn and I made our way to the show. We got to go back

stage and meet Sam Hui. 

The next night we went to dinner with Ryan and Candance(his wife). They are so cool and nice. The greatest part? I told Ryan how my dad loves his dad. What does Ryan do? Offer to mail a backstage pass from the Reno show autographed by his dad to my dad! CRAZY! My dad was so stoked by this. 

Best part? They are coming back to Reno this Thanksgiving and my parents are actually going to the concert this time!

Amazing how God works, how me brought Liz into my life, and all the experiences we had together. 

Taking a Break

So I'm takinga break from the Old Testament. I was trying to read through the bible, but honestly it hasn't been very encouraging. With me being all unsteady lately I decided to go to the new testament. I skipped the Gospels and started with Acts. So what did I learn today?

Acts 1:7-11

7He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. 8But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

9After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight.

10They were looking intently up into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood beside them. 11"Men of Galilee," they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven."

So two thoughts came to mind. First, "Holy Spirit fill this broken and empty heart! Revive me!" I want to witness (hence why I'm in CCN) but still am scared, shy, and nervous. Secondly, "MAN! when Jesus comes back it's going to be the biggest show of my life!"

Yup that's what I thought. I'm trying and struggling daily. I think I need to start hanging out with some old Christian friends. They were so encouraging and it's nice to see them again. 

JUMP MAN JUMP!

Heck Yes! So I just got off the phone with Doug at Jump Man Jump and I'm going to have a Graduation Party at Jump Man Jump!

For those of you who don't know. I worked there for like 4 years! It's incredibly fun and you're never too old to be there!

So here's the Details

Saturday Dec. 6th

6:00 PM Be there
If your under 18 Go Here and print out a waver for you parents to sign.
Have socks and be prepared for an hour of AWESOMENESS!

Comment and let me know if you going to be there.

This is considered Computer Science?

I was looking ahead in my computer science class (Miracle I know!) and I saw that the homework assignment due next week is this:

1. For next Monday (11/17), conduct some research on diabetes. Find out from verifiable resources what the chances are of different age groups contracting either Type I or Type II diabetes. Make sure you find up to date references because the statistics have been significantly changing in the past few years. Turn in the answers to the following questions in the standard printed (not handwritten) form, and show your references at the end of your paper.

a. Explain what Type I and Type II diabetes are, and what the significant differences are between the two.
b. Can diabetes be cured?
Provide evidence for your answer.
c. Can diabetes be prevented?
Provide evidence for your answer.
d. Who is most at risk for diabetes?
What age ranges, what ethnicities, what countries or continents, etc.
- provide the percentage probabilities you find for the various groups

What?!? Atleast I'm pro at telling the difference between type one and type two Diabetes. By the way I have type two diabetes. Fun times!

Soles 4 Souls

So I came across this in my blog reader you should check it out!

A $5 donation buys two pair of shoes for a person somewhere in the world with none. Imagine, for a little more than what we spend on our morning coffee we can put shoes on the feet of two needy people. All of us can give $5, many of us can give more.

All By Myself

Well. I have the office to myself this weekend. Just me the XM Radio and the Pool Table. Hopefully it will be productive. It's not the first time it was just me in the office. :D Someday I'll get to go to PubCon.

My Weekend in Bullet Point

• Went to Washoe Valley for a Revival. It went ok I think the next time around it will be better. I definitely need to learn to be more social in groups of people I don't know really well.
  
• Went to Chad's Vocal Recital at Trinity Episcopal Church. It was interesting. The theme was embracing love and Chad's journey through it and accepting his Sexuality.
  
• Stared at the amazing creation of a pipe organ.
  
• Joked around with Lana about how cute someone at the concert hall is. (which for Lana to say that means something! Maybe She'll like guys.)
• Helped out at Children's church this weekend. I was the tickle monster again. Fun times!
• Totally chilled in my room and did all the stuff I needed to get done. So nice to do nothing for a afternoon.
  
• Address graduation announcements! 25 days away!! AH!
  

Sometimes I Wonder

I wonder how people would treat me if I was cooler. I see people do anything to hangout with certain people. I wonder what happens when I ask people come out to do stuff, what would they do?  Because I sure feel like people bail out on me constantly and I'm really getting tired of being the person that's always there for other people.

Not OK

I opened up to you. 

I told you for once what was wrong. 

I made myself vulnerable.

I opened myself to the pain.

And all I got was a hug. 

Not ok. 

So Unproductive!

Today Diana and I worked remotely at My Favorite Muffin, Yeah definitely didn't get any work done! Haha But we did see MichelleReno! 

Hello Mister President

So I said this in a comment to Diana and felt like adding it on here.

I wasn't sure how to react. I asked my roommate who won and I just said Cool and walked away as my stomach dropped.

So last night as I was cooking dinner and trying to avoid "Creepy Magazine Selling Guy" I finally walked out of the kitchen and asked my roommate and her boyfriend who won. I dunno why, I kind of knew Obama would win. I pretty much was 50-50 with who I was going to vote for. Both Candidates had items on their platforms that I liked and didn't like.

All I have to say now is, Congratulations President Obama. I'll be Praying for you and hoping that the decisions you make will help our country.


I like how personal and real this image make Obama look. This was taken by Callie Shell. Check out her other pictures. I found her through TheLongbrake Blog.

Accountability

191! CRAP! My blood sugars was 191 this morning. Goal for the day, drink lots of water.

So I started to use this blog as a way to keep myself accountable for my health. So that I can "nip diabetes in the butt" but obviously I'm not doing to well. Posting sugar levels and health updates only lasted a few weeks then I stopped. (maybe because of school)

I understand the value of having people in your life that can help stay accountable with things that you need help with. It actually works when you really commit to it. 

My problem is, I don't open up to people easily. I think it's that I don't want them to look down on me or I don't want to feel lesser than them. Stupid right? We are all God's children. He loves us all equally and we all make mistakes. But sometimes I feel like my problems are worse than others. (which are most likely not) 

There are two reasons why I'm bad at accountability. One, I don't think it helps that my first attempt at accountability was because we were forced to have it when I was in leadership in Intervarsity. I thought it was going to be good, but because I'm very shy when you first meet me not many people in leadership really knew me yet. So I ended up in a group with an old roommate and another girl.  

They are great people, I have/had a bit of bitterness toward my old roommate but for the most part it was good. So as we were going around telling what we would need accountability for I was ashamed to tell mine. The other two, just wanted to be held accountable for reading their bible daily. If the only thing in their life that was not ok, was not reading their bible then I must be a heathen compared to them! 

Second, is so many times I get told I'll pray for you, or I'll be checking in with you about this. And what happens? Nothing. That's probably the worst thing a person can do, especially when they say they want to be your accountability partner. Since I've started going to Harvest Family Festival I've been private about my past life and sins. As I have gotten more comfortable there the more I open up about some stuff that I'm struggling with.

So when one day I finally broke down, I talked to two older ladies of the group. It was comforting to talk to them, and they said they will check up on me and keep praying for me. But they havn't. I know that they are both busy ladies, but that the thing. If you know that you can't be there for someone don't commit to being an accountability partner to them. 

So I'm not discrediting accountability I'm just saying when you commit to it commit to it. Cause obviously I'm not doing well at keeping myself accountable for my health if my sugars have gone up to 191! If you do it, do it with someone you can really trust, who knows/been/going through what you are going through, and someone you can meet with daily or even weekly where it's just the two of you. Because if you don't have accountability, guarantee you will keep doing what you are doing wrong. And if you don't do it with the right people, then you only set yourself up to be bitter and frustrated at not only yourself but at people and sometimes God.

Much to Say

So I This weekend for pack with so much stuff that I don't know how to explain it all. I'll do it in bullets.

Friday

• Worked most of the day at PPM and had lunch with Diana.
  
• Hung out at home then went and saw the Midnight showing of TMCC's production of Sweenet Todd. Incredible!
  

Saturday

• Cleaned House
• Went to a surprise Birthday Party for Becky
• Played ImagineIff
• Went Grocery Shopping (that was interesting but I'm not going to tell why cause it's just not nice)

Sunday

• Church It wasn't bad. Set up and tear down was super fast!
• Taught someone how to Crochet
• Went to Costco and got yelled at for going in the wrong door. Oops! He could have been just a little nicer though.
• Went to my group meeting with Costco Pizza in hand
• Made a ERD (Sort of)
• Went to the Waiting Ends, A Current Affair, The Wedding, and Wavorly Show. AWESOME!

So that's about it. Busy but fun Weekend.

I was going to attempt a Positive Post Tuesday post but I feel a little let down today. So I'm not feeling to postive. Sorry.

I voted

Ok here's my voice on Voting. If you are going to vote please make an educated vote. Please take the time to look up each canidates platform and make the decision for yourself who you think is going to best stand up and do the job of what you want done.

I know some platforms are long, just take the time to figure out what's most important to you, and read those sections and compare who would do the best job at resolving what is important to you.

Don't just vote for whoever people are telling you to vote for. And honestly don't be ashamed to go against your friends it's called voter privacy for a reason. You don't have to go around telling people you voted for whoever.

This isn't just towards the Presidential Candidates, It's for all the local ones. Open your sample Ballot read up on all the questions, look up who is running for what.
Yes, who is the next president is important but the local canditates are just as important. They are the ones that will be making changes that can effect you sooner than what the President decides for the nation.

P.S. Clip board people. I'm not going to miss you after tomorrow. I can finally stop saying Yes I registered to vote and Yes I voted early.

Freaking out!

I graduate in 33 days!!