Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sorry.

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've really bogged down with school and work. 
I've been super emotional lately too. 

Here's a few things I've been feeling lately

Restless

I'm getting restless. I want to know what's God's plan for me. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I'm a planner but I need to learn to let God take the wheel and drive. But it's hard to keep putting faith in that when it's been a year and I still have no closure as to what to do with my life. 

Jealous

I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married. I want a family. I'm getting tired of waiting for the man God will bring into my life. I'm tired of breaking down in tears over anything about relationships or marriage.  I hate that I feel like I'm a jerk and can't be in a relationship.  I hate that I'm jealous of someone who is pregnant and not married because she's younger than me, even though I know it's not right.

Anger

At people and God cause I'm tired of trying to patient and waiting for something good to happen. Why is it that I struggle to live a life that God calls us to live. I'm still I sinner and I struggle with those sins but I've been trying hard. Yet I'm still waiting for God to show me direction, waiting for God to bring a man into my life. I'm angry that I can't love people enough to share God's grace to them.

Defeated

I just want to give up. I keep thinking that if I wasn't Christian I would be happy, but in my heart I know that's not true. It would be just as hard. But I just want to give up. Date the guy I've like for years that's Atheist and not care anymore. But then fear sets in and I'm still unhappy, in tears, angry, jealous, and restless.

2 comments:

Diana said...

You have nothing to apologize for in having not posted dear Sarah!

Maybe rather than feel like you're waiting for God to reveal His plan for you, it would help to think that you're living the plan He has for you.

My other thought? Date the Atheist. Maybe God put this guy in your life for His reasons? You can never know how your (your, as in YOU Sarah) words and actions will affect a non-Christian.

Trust me, those non-Christians are watching. And learning. And accepting. And changing.

You're doing okay Sarah. I was going to be chicken and comment anonymously, but have changed my mind.

Rachel Phillips said...

Diana shared your post with me; I hope that's ok.
I just want to say that you must be a brave girl if you have been living by God's standards for this long. I really and truly do understand and can relate to your frustrations, fears, anger, restlessness, and feeling defeated. I'm 27 (soon to be 28 in two weeks) years old and am still waiting for the man who will be my husband, and when I say waiting, I DO mean waiting (physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc.).
But I also know it's possible to love the life you are living now. I think Diana's comment is spot on! It is hard to hand the steering wheel over to God; it's a daily reminder kinda thing, but He obviously has you where you are for a reason.
Usually, I've found that when I'm most unhappy, most irritated, most judgmental and bitter, is when I'm focusing waaaay too much on ME! I lose my joy, despite doing all the "right" things like daily devotionals, go to church, etc. I forget that I'm happiest when I'm not thinking "what can I get out of a situation" but "what/how can I give to it/person". When I focus on others more than myself, God takes care of me, which really takes the pressure off sometimes! ;)
I don't mean to preach to the choir or preach at all; you're words just really spoke to me; and I hope you've found some peace.
Don't give up. The hard road is always worth it, and the rewards are great.