Morose

So yesterday a bunch of my friends from high school were posting condolences on Myspace. So I asked them what happened. I found out one of my friends from high school little brother and girlfriend died in a car accident.

I didn't really know them but my heart and prayers go out to the families. It's rough when that happens. They had to be at least 20 or so.

When I found out where they were going when they crashed I got more upset. They were going to Boise. It's hard because to go from Elko to Boise you have to drive through this windy pass between Owahee and Mountain Home. It sucks and is scary. My family has gotten stranded there one time.

It's hard because two years ago a friend died on that same area. So it's hard because it makes me think of the injustice his family had to go through because of it. He was ran off the road by a pick up truck that was tailing him. He was following his family back to Elko and when the truck almost ran his parents off the road they were confused why he wasn't behind them anymore. So they turned around saw the skid marks and the car in the rivene. The truck kept going.

There was so much anger when I heard the story. I wondered if the jerk driving the truck knew what they did? How they would have felt for killing someone? How would they feel to know that it broke a family, that they will never be the same? Would you still drive like crap and tail a person on a dangerous part of a highway?

All theses emotion came flooding back when I heard about the the two new lives that, that dangerous highway took away from two other families.

Feeling like a Loser

Here I go again. Feeling like a loser. It always happens when I try to plan an event. I hate that this feeling always over powers the real fact that I'm not a loner with no friends.

So I'm planning a Graduation party. I tried to see if people will come by posting myspace bulletins and on here, no one said anything. I sent out invites on myspace, I got a bunch of I'm going to this event instead messages. Yup that feeling of what if I was cooler hits again. The thought of why is it no ones first priority to do something for me? I mean I'm getting this huge favor by the guy at Jump Man Jump to let me have this party on a premium night for free.

But here's the other side. My family will be here, they will most likely come cause it's me and I planned it. Because they Love me. Diana said she will most likely come, because she awesome, even though she admitted saying that she won't know anybody there. Liz will most likely go because she goes every time I have one and she's my closest friend in Reno, even though she's in a wheelchair and can't play.

So why do I feel so lame and like a loser? When all the people I'm closest with will be there? Even now I'm trying hard not to cry about it because it's dumb. It's a worldly thing, people liking you. It really is. What really matters in this world are the people who truly care for you. Yet how is it easy for me to tell myself that and yet still feel pain about the people who aren't coming?

Maybe it's because they are the people I'm trying to open up to, the people I want to be friends with. Maybe they aren't worth the effort. This happens every time I try to plan something. I think this is why I distance myself from people. Because I give up on trying to be their friend when they aren't being one to me.

Not OK

I opened up to you. 

I told you for once what was wrong. 

I made myself vulnerable.

I opened myself to the pain.

And all I got was a hug. 

Not ok. 

Sorry.

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've really bogged down with school and work. 

I've been super emotional lately too. 

Here's a few things I've been feeling lately

Restless

I'm getting restless. I want to know what's God's plan for me. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I'm a planner but I need to learn to let God take the wheel and drive. But it's hard to keep putting faith in that when it's been a year and I still have no closure as to what to do with my life. 

Jealous

I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married. I want a family. I'm getting tired of waiting for the man God will bring into my life. I'm tired of breaking down in tears over anything about relationships or marriage.  I hate that I feel like I'm a jerk and can't be in a relationship.  I hate that I'm jealous of someone who is pregnant and not married because she's younger than me, even though I know it's not right.

Anger

At people and God cause I'm tired of trying to patient and waiting for something good to happen. Why is it that I struggle to live a life that God calls us to live. I'm still I sinner and I struggle with those sins but I've been trying hard. Yet I'm still waiting for God to show me direction, waiting for God to bring a man into my life. I'm angry that I can't love people enough to share God's grace to them.

Defeated

I just want to give up. I keep thinking that if I wasn't Christian I would be happy, but in my heart I know that's not true. It would be just as hard. But I just want to give up. Date the guy I've like for years that's Atheist and not care anymore. But then fear sets in and I'm still unhappy, in tears, angry, jealous, and restless.

So much to say!

There's just so much to say. A lot has happened and yet I'm such a slacker that I haven't posted in a while. I guess I'll start there.

I have a friend who like to make fun of my for blogging and so she asked me if I have written a blog lately. I laughed cause it reminded me of a old co-worker Ed. He would get so fired up if someone said they were going to write a Blog. He would say your not writing a blog, cause that would require writing a ton of post to say your are writing a blog. I you can say you wrote a post, or a blog post. It's funnier coming from him since he is a comedian.

I got new piercings! There was a grand opening of a new tattoo and piercing place and they were having $7 piercings. I originally wanted a nape piecing, but I got my traguses done instead.

I ran out of Prescription benefits And now have to pay $240 for my Diabetes Meds... I cried... A LOT.

This Blows

So I found out today that UNR is going to cut the Athletic Band Program. This means there isn't going to be anymore Marching band and Pep Band. I know that it's not really going to affect me anymore, but the saddest part is along side with the Athletic Bands being cut, they are letting go of Mr. Sullivan. He's the Director of Athletic Bands.  

It's sad because the last 6 years of my college life in the Music Department, he's been the one that made me feel like I can be a musician. I've traveled to Fresno, Seattle, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Las Cruses, Boise, Albuquerque, and New Orleans because of him and his hard work (and our awesome basketball and football team). 

It's sucks that the university has to make these budget cuts. My friend Tony has his mind set that we are not in a recession. If this doesn't say we are in a recession I don't know what does.  What do you think? Are we in a recession or not?

Grump Day

Sugars: 159

Hmm... Today is a grumpy day. Yup a grumpy day.

I've been bad

When does ministering to a person become too much? For the last year I've been witnessing to a woman that is an alcoholic and borderline psycho. I lived an example life, I shared why I do what I do because it's all for God. I talked to her about hell and the gospel. But it seems that when anything semi-religious is brought up, she turned crazier!

Then she attacks me about things that just tear my self worth down. It doesn't help that I live with the woman and every little thing that I do, she finds a way to complain about it. The harder I try to please her, the more she works at finding something to complain about. I finally hit the breaking point this week. When I was told to get rid of the one large item I have that is sitting in the living room.

I'm broken and torn. My self-worth has been decrease so much that I can't take it anymore. Anytime I do something that she gets angry about I try to fix but nothing is ever good enough. This place isn't even a home to me anymore.

I need to move and find a new job, so that I can afford to leave. I shouldn't even be paying as much rent if I can't have any furniture/items out in the living room.

Feeling Kind of Low

Monday Sugars: 166
Todays Blood Sugars: 174


Yeah my sugar levels sucks, I've been doing so well at going to the gym and taking my meds, until the weekend came. Blah!

So I feel crappy, I need to move and get a different Job.
Here's been what's going on. So where I work now we switch from an office to my bosses home, which is outside of town maybe 15 to 20 miles. Not fun drive when gas is over $4 a gallon. I've been working part-time for this guy for almost two years, and every 6 months or so he tells me he is going to have me learn more about doing SEO or giving me more duties so I can have more hours.

Last semester I was so bogged down with school stuff that I could only put in 2 to 3 hours a day. I think he has come to like that, because well the company isn't doing to well and I do most of the monotonous stuff that nobody wants to do, but is "important" to do. Every since school has gotten out I've been asking for more hours. So what do I get in the field of more stuff to do? I get the tasks of getting the mail, cleaning, and taking the trash out, yup sure glad I'm working on getting a college degree for this work. Then last week I complained that I need more hours because of gas, guess what happens, my hours get cut. Now I go to work three times a week and work until I have no more billable time tasks to work on. He thinks he's being my gas money savior for it too.

For a while now I've been playing with the idea of getting a different job. I've applied to 6 now, I have yet to hear from any of them. So now Guess what happens. My Roommate decides to cash the last three checks I had written to her for rent (written three weeks ago), and groceries (one two weeks ago and one for last week). I thought she had cashed the checks earlier, Boy was I wrong.. Now I'm over $200 in the hole, I overdrew my account. I'm don't know whose fault is it more? Mine or my roommates? But I'm frustrated now, at my roommate, at my boss, and at all the people who haven't at least told me they're not going to hire me.

I hate money and how we need to to survive. Sorry for Griping. Just a little on edge lately.

God take all this away, I know you have a plan and that where ever I go you will use me. I am weak Lord. Less of me, more of you.
Amen