Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Feeling like a Loser

Here I go again. Feeling like a loser. It always happens when I try to plan an event. I hate that this feeling always over powers the real fact that I'm not a loner with no friends.

So I'm planning a Graduation party. I tried to see if people will come by posting myspace bulletins and on here, no one said anything. I sent out invites on myspace, I got a bunch of I'm going to this event instead messages. Yup that feeling of what if I was cooler hits again. The thought of why is it no ones first priority to do something for me? I mean I'm getting this huge favor by the guy at Jump Man Jump to let me have this party on a premium night for free.

But here's the other side. My family will be here, they will most likely come cause it's me and I planned it. Because they Love me. Diana said she will most likely come, because she awesome, even though she admitted saying that she won't know anybody there. Liz will most likely go because she goes every time I have one and she's my closest friend in Reno, even though she's in a wheelchair and can't play.

So why do I feel so lame and like a loser? When all the people I'm closest with will be there? Even now I'm trying hard not to cry about it because it's dumb. It's a worldly thing, people liking you. It really is. What really matters in this world are the people who truly care for you. Yet how is it easy for me to tell myself that and yet still feel pain about the people who aren't coming?

Maybe it's because they are the people I'm trying to open up to, the people I want to be friends with. Maybe they aren't worth the effort. This happens every time I try to plan something. I think this is why I distance myself from people. Because I give up on trying to be their friend when they aren't being one to me.

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