Sorry.

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've really bogged down with school and work. 

I've been super emotional lately too. 

Here's a few things I've been feeling lately

Restless

I'm getting restless. I want to know what's God's plan for me. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I'm a planner but I need to learn to let God take the wheel and drive. But it's hard to keep putting faith in that when it's been a year and I still have no closure as to what to do with my life. 

Jealous

I want to be in a relationship. I want to get married. I want a family. I'm getting tired of waiting for the man God will bring into my life. I'm tired of breaking down in tears over anything about relationships or marriage.  I hate that I feel like I'm a jerk and can't be in a relationship.  I hate that I'm jealous of someone who is pregnant and not married because she's younger than me, even though I know it's not right.

Anger

At people and God cause I'm tired of trying to patient and waiting for something good to happen. Why is it that I struggle to live a life that God calls us to live. I'm still I sinner and I struggle with those sins but I've been trying hard. Yet I'm still waiting for God to show me direction, waiting for God to bring a man into my life. I'm angry that I can't love people enough to share God's grace to them.

Defeated

I just want to give up. I keep thinking that if I wasn't Christian I would be happy, but in my heart I know that's not true. It would be just as hard. But I just want to give up. Date the guy I've like for years that's Atheist and not care anymore. But then fear sets in and I'm still unhappy, in tears, angry, jealous, and restless.

Positive Post Tuesday

Yeah I haven't been very good at keeping up with my Positive Post Tuesday but I intend to be more adamant about it. So today I'm going to post about a sport. If Brody (the creator of PPT) can post about the weather I can post about a sport :D

So a few years ago my friend Liz volunteered me (more like said you're coming after church) to help out with her to go to Quad Rugby practice. (They updated their site!! It actually looks like a big kids website! Sorry I'm on a caffeine high right now.. coffee coffee coffee!)

Since then I've gone to Las Vegas for tournaments and helped out at several fund raising events for the local team. At one point in time I was assisting coaching and working on becoming an official referee for the sport.

Well as I got further into my studies I had to quit going to practices to focus on school and graduating. I miss it. I miss the people and actually playing. I had some mad shoulder muscles! :D

So what brought this post on?? Well if you didn't know the Beijing Olympics are still going. They are in the mist of the Para-Olympics portion. Right now I'm watching the live feed of the USA Vs. Australia Gold medal Rugby Tournament.

This was created in Canada backing in the 70s. It was originally called Murder ball and if you've seen a game you know why it was named that. It was created for quadriplegics in mind because back then para sports were beginning to gain popularity, but they were all aimed towards paraplegics, meaning it was aimed for people with impairments in two of the four limbs. Making some sports hard for quadriplegics to participate in.

Since then the sport has expanded across the world and is now one of the more popular parasports, para basketball is still the number one. (which is hard to play too! I've tried it. :D)

It's also nice because teams everywhere volunteer at hospitals to show people in rehab that have been injured and are new to the wheelchair world, that there is still things that they can do. That there is a community of support and a chance to people to still be active and participate in sports.

I hope i did the sport some justice. If you haven't seen it yet you should watch the movie Murderball. It give a better insight into the sport.

Feeling Left Out

My older sister and borther-in-law are remodeling their house. My little sister lives with that that the moment and so she's helping out too. I was looking at the pictures and was thinking, "man I wish I could be there. "

My relationship with my sisters is a little complicated. I've always gotten along with my little sister, even babied her. Growing up with the three of us, there were a few times where I had to be the responsible one while my older sister had her fun. So my little sister and I were always hanging out. it wasn't until I was a Junior in high school, that I started seeing my little sister as the little brat.

I never bonded with my older sister growing up, and there was a lot of resentment towards her. So when I got into the college, my older sister stepped up and helped me a lot. I'm still seen as the goody two shoes that might go and tattle on her, but we are working on our relationship.

My sister get along really well with each other. Sometime I feel like it's cause my older sister is trying to make up for all that she did to us, and my little sister was to young to remember. So seeing them together now makes me a little jealous. Apart of my wants that connection with my older sister, another part of me doesn't want to lose or share my little sister.

My older sister isn't Christian, she's probably the most synical person I know. My little sister "was" Christian. I don't know where she's at now, but I feel like my older sisters influencing her to not be. It's heart breaking and hard. I can talk to my little sister and she says that she still is, but she's not living her life like one. I would love to witness to my older sister but it's hard because I still don't connect with my older sister very well, and there's still a lot of hurt and pain hovering within me.

Wow. I guess seeing that they are bonding so well, makes me want to be with and bond with them. Hm... maybe I'll move to Portland when I graduate. I love it there.

The VMA's

So a few nights ago was the VMA's. It's the first time since..... well ever that I actually sat down and watch the whole thing. Well I can't say I watched the whole thing. I was doing my homework at the same time. :D

As I was listening to what was going it was amazing to me at how many people were thanking God. I might sound critical but are they really truely thanking God is it an action? So they truely know what it's like to life for God? The only reason why I say this is because I heard Lil' Wayne give thanks to God, but earlier in the night he had performed a song that half of it you couldn't hear because they censored out all the cuss words, and what you could hear wasn't very moral. Also given that the whole performance his pants were below his butt. I mean it's great that these artist know about God but who is telling them, feeding them, keeping them accountable?

The Recults!

Ok so it's been a while. Here's to multiple different post on what I have been thinking about lately.

First My appointment. It was a Success! My A1C Percentage was down a whole 2%!!!
Which makes it's below 7% and that means I'm not in the danger zone. But I'm not going to give up now. Next is to get it lower so I don't have to be on as many Meds. Or atleast smaller dosages and save myself from the stomach pains!

Praise God! :D

Appointment.

So I just got a phone call reminding me that I have my next Endocrine appointment on Thursday. Which means I have to leave class early and get there and present my new student insurance card and fork over more money since that office isn't covered by my insurance.

Long story short, I have the student insurance that my current Endocrine Doctor isn't on, but the ones that are covered aren't accepting new patients so I can't go to them. Which sucks because of the fact that I have kidney damage means I need to see a specialist and that means staying with the doctor I'm at and paying more money. I like my doctor though. I'm just POOR!

So my last appointment really made me upset, cause I pretty much was told that my Hemoglobin level went up to a scary percentage and that I need to check myself or else I'm in big trouble. So I did, I signed up for Curves and I stopped eating out as much, and I made an effort to eat healthier.

I started out committing to testing my sugar levels regularly (I failed at that), taking my pills daily (which I failed at when I found out how expensive they are when you don't have any more prescription benefits), and to exercise. The only on I succeeded at was going to the gym. Only because I'm POOR and better make this monthly expenditure worth it.

So hopefully I'll have good news for you tomorrow. If not I'll become very emo, and it's not a pretty sight.

Love

So lately I've been thinking about Love. This might sound bitter but I took some time to reflect on why it is that I've given up on Love.

It's amazing to me that so many people find it hard to say the three little words "I love you" and yet they easily dismiss the power of those three words later and then fall out of love. Is it truely love? Love is supposed to be unconditional and ever lasting. So is it really love? 

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't Love people. I love my family and I love God. That's unconditional and will never change. I will always be committed to them. But why is that people are so quick to be in relationship to be loved, and yet it's not real? It's just a phrase that people use. I mean they might mean it at first but then it get distorted and the meaning of it gets lost. It's just an action, just like kissing turns from a huge milestone in a relationship to a action that is expected. 

It's expected that you say I love you when you're saying good bye. 

I guess what is bringing all this about is all the people who are telling me that I need a man in my life. I need to be in love. In all honesty I'm not ready. I'm a jerk and my last relationship... well, tons of regrets there. I'm not ready.

I feel like I don't need to be actively looking for someone to make me happy. I have God, my family, and friends in my life. I feel that when my heart and soul is ready God will bring someone into my life, and that person will have Eros and Agape Love for me. Not the love that gets abused and forgotten. Together we can have a relationship that will honor and abide Gods laws. 

Right now I'm not ready for that and God knows. I'm in no rush cause I know there's a man out there that God has picked out for me and he will love me for me. Not for what's on the outside but what's on the inside. I don't need to change my style or wear make up to attract men. Because that's not me, and it just adds to the distortion of love. I want someone to love me for me, not for the clothes I wear or the makeup on my face that's just covering my true beauty. 

If you made it this far, I'm sorry for sounding bitter or rude. Just had to get it off my chest.